My biggest fear realised...

Last night I watched "confessions of a nurse". What a lovely programme it was and showed what it really is like being a nurse. Its about time everyone stopped pretending that nursing is glamorous, sexy and full of air-heads who follow doctors round like puppies. Nurses do the real grafting. However, this isn't the focus for the day. 

People who know me know that I  hate birthdays due to having a fear of getting old, and  I have a fear of the elderly. It seems rather silly really. Every second I am getting older, and in mere weeks, I will turn 25. There will be those of you thinking "25? That's nothing!! Still a young un!" However, you don't see what I see. The average age expectancy is reported to be around 80 in the UK. In my family, 75 is the magic number. 75....? But I'm going to be 25!!! That means I have lived a third of my life already!! By my "calculations" I should be exactly where I want to be right now... Married, big family, house, the career I want... And then for the following 25 years I should be expanding on this. Developing my home, watching my family grow, getting to the top of my career ladder. Then for the final 25 years it should be my resting years, I'll have done the hard work already and this is the time I appreciate the finer things in life and watch all my children have their own children... 

But I'm not where I want to be!!! I don't have a boyfriend, let alone husband! I don't have the 7 children I dream of, I don't have my house by the beach... I don't even think I'm on the right career path.

I know, I know. You are wondering how all this relates to "confessions of a nurse" and why do old people scare me.... 

Growing up I didn't really know my grand parents. My paternal grandfather died when I was 1, so I don't remember him at all. My paternal grandmother died when I was 4. Don't really remember her either. My maternal grandfather died when I was 7, he was quite nice. My maternal grandmother didn't die until I was about 19. She died after a long battle with cancer. A battle I couldn't fight with her. It scared me. Not dying or the fact cancer runs in the family. Of what the cancer was doing to her, and did I want my last memories of her being ravaged by the disease. So I distanced myself from it. I didn't even attend her funeral, however, I don't really think that is the best place to say goodbye. But that's a story for another day. So dear reader.... so far you may have realised that I haven't had much to do with the elderly, but why do I fear them?

This wasn't realised by me until last night whilst watching the programme. The young nurses were working with the elderly and those with dementia. Watching how compassionate these nurses were, and how much care these people actually need and BAM! I realised what it was and why I fear getting old so much!!

I fear losing my independence. That is it in a nutshell. 

I love my independence, I don't like to rely on anyone for anything. I don't like men paying for my dinner, or not being able to create my own furnishings. Why do I want other people having to do things for me?

But seeing these people, having to be washed, spoon-fed and being unable to do anything for myself TERRIFIES me! However, I don't know which I hate the thought of most. Being compos mentis and the humiliation of needing intimate care (after all it seems a bit like regressing back into a baby), or losing my marbles. Some may say I lost my marbles a long time ago, and you may too dear reader. But either way, the fact is still there. Having to be dependent on someone else scares me. And every birthday I am getting a little bit closer to having my fear materialise.....