No words...

No words can truly explain how I feel right now.

Today I lost my baby. And no, despite my usual forgetfulness, I didn't leave it in the supermarket or somewhere in the depths of my oversized handbag.

On Monday I was receiving fertility testing with my local GP. The night before I took a pregnancy test, just in case. Negative. So off I went, off to the doctors, lead on my back with my legs apart feeling very elegant and classy. She ran some swabs and had a good look. Everything looks normal, no sign of infection. I have already been cleared of PCOS. So she does swabs for chlamydia, BV and my acidity levels, along with ordering some blood tests for me on Friday. Before leaving she asked how I felt generally. Well to be quite honest, absolutely exhausted. Must be all this stress or something.

Tuesday I went to my partner's house and he met me in town before we walked back to his. Half way I had to stop and rest.

Wednesday I went out with a friend's kids for a couple of hours, got home feeling sick and fell asleep for several hours. Woke up so angry I was THIS exhausted. It is ridiculous. It was like a dropping sensation of exhaustion straight through me. Angrily I got up and grabbed a pregnancy test. I don't know what is causing this exhaustion but I WILL find out. I peed in the pot and dipped in the test. Laid it down and after a few moments I looked at it. Negative. Well its not that. What the hell is this new level of exhaustion? Too exhausted to throw away the test I ranted at my best friend over whatsapp. I glanced over a minute or so later. A dirty mark on the test caught my eye. On inspection I notice it is a faint line. A FAINT POSITIVE LINE! I jump up and grab another hcg strip. I dip and watch it more closely. I quickly spot an identical line forming. OMG!! I AM PREGNANT!! I rang my partner, telling him the weekend plans are now changed... No getting drunk with him. I have to be well behaved now!! I download a pregnancy app that tell me my baby is just the size of a poppy seed. My little poppy seed.

Friday I ran through town before my blood test, pot of urine in my bag ready to brandish it at the nurse. I grabbed a better test from super drug, paid and quickly left. Hid in an alley and instantly a darker line appeared than those I was used to. So I ran to tesco to buy a clear blue digital with weeks indicator. Hid in the toilet and waited for the little screen to announce to me how pregnant I was. 1-2 weeks. Squeeeee!! 1-2 weeks since ovulation, meaning in doctors terms I was 3-4 weeks pregnant. A quick calculation could work out the weekend I conceived, thus giving me a solid 4 weeks pregnant. Oh how exciting!! I went to the nurse who ran a hcg test and got a faint positive (well these hcg tests are crap!!), but she congratulated me, booked me in for a phone consultation with the doctor on the following tuesday and sent me on my way.

Saturday I meet up with my partner for the first time since that phone call. He finds me flaked out with exhaustion and nausea, halfway to meeting him and walks over and kisses me. Perfect!! We stop off at his work on the way back to his flat so I can pee. Pink discharge greets me. I start to panic. No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!! This is not how it is supposed to happen!! I go back and sit on the bench with him to tell him the news. A woman is stood feet away from me holding her baby. I feel distraught and overwhelming jealousy. We go back to his, and I notice no more spotting has occurred. A quick google search tells me lots of women get a little pink discharge throughout pregnancy. I calm down. Before falling asleep my partner rubs my belly and says "good night baby, or should I say babies". I inform him he has just cursed me to have twins, giggle and kiss him good night.

Following morning everything still seems calm. Awesome!! I walk back into town to catch bus home. I finally get home and spotting has reappeared. Slightly darker. I go to sleep for a few hours. Upon waking I feel a "blub" feeling. I run to the bathroom to see a large piece of discharge and a little darker pink. Its a weekend so my doctors isn't open. I am not running to hospital at 4 weeks pregnant. Later that night all seems calm again. I must be overdoing it all. More rest needed!! Battling the nausea I go to sleep, but thrilled I have nausea as it means my hormones are doing what they should be.

6:10 I wake. I feel down to check. Blood. I run to the bathroom. Nothing on knickers but upon wiping a lot of stained discharge. I see a few small clots. At 9am I ring the doctors. She said she could fit me in at 12:30 as an emergency, can I bring a urine sample in.

I sit down the river awaiting my partner to come down and meet me with a thousand things running through my head. I walk to the pharmacy and grab a pregnancy test. I test the pot of urine that is in my bag. A very faint negative, but this is a better test than the hcg strips. My heart breaks. It has been ripped out of my chest and stamped on. My baby. My little poppy seed. I think of all the women who happily have abortion after abortion without a second thought, and the women who have beautiful, healthy babies and treat them awfully, abusing them, allowing other's to abuse them. Rage washes over me. WHY DO THEY GET BLESSED WITH A BABY BUT I GET MINE RIPPED FROM ME?! I want nothing more than to hold my baby in my arms and protect it forever. Loving it entirely. Not caring if they are gay, or want to be a binman... as long as they are happy and healthy.

My partner arrives to find me sobbing and praying to every spiritual being to ever be known to undo this tragedy I am going through. He hugs me.

We arrive at the doctors, at 1pm I get taken in. I ask my partner to let me go in alone. He does not argue. She feels my stomach, looking for tenderness suggesting an ectopic pregnancy. She finds none. She asks me to undress. I have never felt so revolting. Lying their semi naked, feeling a pool of blood between my legs. She probes me telling me my cervix isn't open. I don't even care. She takes my pulse and blood pressure. They seem normal. How can they be normal? My heart is broken. Shattered into a million pieces. She tells me to expect heavy bleeding and period pains greater than I am used to. Tears roll down my face. I leave. Holding my breath trying not to cry further. I look at my partner in the waiting room silently communicating for him to follow. He does so without a single word. We walk silently down the stairs and I stop at the bottom. I turn round and just hug him never wanting to be let go. I've literally lost part of me. So tiny. A poppy seed. But it felt like my soul had been ripped away. Surely a person's soul is so much bigger? A poppy seed is so small. But it meant everything to me. I can't even explain the internal agony I feel. Is it all my fault? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished for something? Am I so much of an awful person I don't deserve the thing I have spent my life dreaming about holding in my arms? Why can't someone tell me why this is happening to me? Why can't something be easy for once?

I got to enjoy being pregnant for less than a week. I imagined what it was looking like in my mind and how it was developing, how I would look blooming in pregnancy with even bigger breasts and a fabulously big bump, hypothetical names (I sensed it was a boy), imagining the smooth sailing labour, getting to take the bundle home with me, first baths in the tummy tub, breastfeeding and singing lullabies. But all I am left with is ruined knickers and a broken heart. There are no words that can quite explain how pained I feel, and no words can take away my pain. I am grieving for a baby I lost today. The baby who's hand I never got to hold, but held my heart so tightly.